Sometimes I wonder if I too readily apply the adjective “life-changing” to experiences – particularly in thinking back to the amount of times I’ve used such a description over the past year. And each time, with the same conviction and depth of meaning attached to it as the last.
Perhaps if I had to give one overarching theme to 2015 and the underlying lesson of everything it contained, it would probably be the ever-present, profound reminder that the concept of self is nothing but a set of ever-evolving experiences – that ultimately, we are the accumulation of every experience, person, and interaction we’ve had with the world around us – both physical and spiritual (a sentiment I’ve previously expressed but seem to have constantly reaffirmed in new and evolving ways). And on this basis, it follows that just as our experiences can drastically shift over the course of a day, month, or year, so too do we.
2015 was by far the most challenging, most perplexing, and most life-altering year I’ve had to date. But the thing I’ve realized is, I would have said the exact same thing at the end of 2014, and the year before that. This year, more than any other, has brought me to see just how false any expectation of finality is in life – the [often unconscious] expectation that something will be the hardest thing you ever face, that this is the best life moment you’ll ever experience, the closest connection you will ever have to another person, that such and such thing is the most important thing in your life and will always be that way, that this is how you cope with certain situations, that you know yourself.
As I sit here writing this now, amidst the hazy heat of summer instead of biting cold and snow on New Year’s Eve in a quiet house in Harare, I feel the need to somehow force my mind to acknowledge that this is even the end of 2015. At first I thought to try to summarize some of the highlights of the past year, but then, in reflecting even on the past two months and how many “life-changing” things have happened in just this one small chunk of it, it seemed a futile effort. In fact, with all that has changed so drastically and suddenly over the past months, without break or pause, I feel like I haven’t even had time to actually absorb or comprehend what my life is at the very moment. So maybe just these short few months are the perfect starting point for appreciating what the year in it’s entirety has been like…a recurring cycle of reaching points of conviction, only soon to be broken, that life can’t get any weirder, any less expected, full of any more emotion, or more introductions to new emotions previously incomprehensible, any more possible to feel or not feel so much or so little to nothing and everything, any more ‘adult’, any more real, any more surreal, any less definable, any more awe-inspiring, any more heart-breaking, any more full of life in all its shapes, forms and definitions – beyond definitions previously known – ever more expansive.
For just over the course of the past couple months:
…I came to know the deepest, most piercing and all-consuming, indescribable and crippling feeling of hopelessness in the face of depression – the kind that in the moment, leaves you unable to even imagine the possibility of feeling better again
….soon after, I find myself in the Democratic Republic of Congo – wondering at the strangeness of being perceived as a nutrition advocacy expert as I sit in meetings, conversing with donors or people leading nutrition programmes in the government, surprised that I am even able to understand them in the French, much less that they are taking me seriously as someone qualified to be sitting in the same meeting room as them and helping to provide strategic guidance to anyone. Most importantly, I find myself actually living again and feeling capable of something – a feeling that felt so completely out of reach only a week before and for so many months prior, and then
…a week following my return home to Johannesburg, I find myself suddenly closing up my assignments for a job I was still supposed to continue for another two months, and packing up two-years worth of living, friendships, and memories over the course of a few days to take up a new position in a new country that I had only barely come to realize was really confirmed
…after which, I find myself living in Harare – and only about a week or two in, suddenly realizing that I am now a manager, a donor relations officer, a ‘diplomat’ working for the UN in an African country, and that I live in Zimbabwe – not to mention actually living out the exact kind of job description I remember once envisioning for my future self while still an undergrad; the exact kind of career ambitions I would vaguely articulate whenever forced to write out my five-year career plans or long-term career goals in the context of fellowship programmes or other college activities. But strangely enough, now actually living out this idealized future career and life abroad, that felt more handed to me than deserved in any concrete way, it has become somewhat of a hazy alternate reality in which I am still unable to connect the image I supposedly assume on the outside in the context of my status as a fully fledged, working, independent adult, with the amount of confusion and uncertainty and immaturity I continue to feel on the inside (although confusion and uncertainty I am also aware is felt by all ‘adults’) – while at the same, struggling to find the conclusion to what feels like one long, drawn-out interior battle between choosing to make the most of the absurd amount of opportunity that continues to be granted to me with the reality of my unreadiness for it – or what’s more, simply having to figure out what it is I actually want in the present moment against the backdrop of previous years’ obscurely formed ambitions.
But in writing all of this and speaking of the major life changes, the real underlying life-changing aspects contained in all of it has been the people. In many ways, from all the confusion of the past few months to the past year in its entirety, I can’t help but think that much of it actually served as the basis for being more open and susceptible to the influence of others – and therein, having that much more opportunity to be witness to the incredible beauty and spirit of those around me: from the people physically present in my daily life to those whose connections never fade regardless of time or physical distance to every stranger, acquaintance, and potential new friend I cross paths with. If nothing else, I want to take from this year an even deeper appreciation for human connection – not only in the form of best friends or people we’ve known for significant periods of our lives, but in the incredibly powerful potential latent in everyone to make a deep lasting impact in another’s life, whether it be through a fleeting interaction with a stranger who said something to change the way you looked at some piece of the world, or with a new friend who is able to guide you through rough times as if he had been a part of your life all along, or from coming across a natural mentor – a person who by nature of being his or herself is able to inspire and lift simply from their example and kindness.
This year taught me that best friends, soul mates, and life-changing individuals do not come into our lives in limited numbers – and that each and every one may be as deeply and uniquely moving as the other. And by virtue of our capacity as human beings to ceaselessly expand our understanding of the world and what it means to be human, we are ceaselessly subject to the opportunity for another person to come through and widen our own world vision and definition of self.
So rather than closing this with a New Year’s Resolution, I want to only end with an Ending Year Thank You – a thank you to too many to say, as well as to many that may not even know the depth of gratitude I have for you. To every single person that impacted, shifted, uplifted, or restored something in me this year, and to those that continue to inspire and shape my way of being in the world.
And here’s to a few more pertinent take-aways from 2015:
I had a love affair with a city that I came to call home on the other side of the world from the country I am expected to call home – the kind of love grounded in a slow, gradual, and deep appreciation for all the beauty and ugliness it has to offer to the world and the raw, vibrant, gritty, and beautiful life evident in all its streets, corners, and surfaces.
I had my life changed multiple times by multiple people – in inspiring as well as excruciating ways – all of which I wouldn’t change for anything.
From being lost in the sound of wind-strewn sands and loud silence embodied by dawn amidst a rising desert sun in Senegal, to finding serenity in a setting sun behind the contours of all expansive earth in the mountains of Lesotho, I experienced so many occasions of nature’s power to envelop all the senses and bring the mind and body to be fully present in its life.
And perhaps most importantly, I had my perspective stretched or shifted on just about everything and anything that one could have a perspective on in life.
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meaness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
So here’s to 2016 and the all the new guests it will inevitably bring.